Entry 15

Well hello! I have... not been updating this site as often as I'd like! But I'm back bitches!! >:3

I have been busy. Like... stuff has been happening that I would rather really not get into, and coupled with the Winter Depression, well... yea it's been weird lmao

I want to get back to doing rather than just existing, bc this winter has been a bit rough for me in terms of like, everything lol. I kinda have been just going thru the motions, and ofc drama at my job is just energy-sapping as it always is. I feel like bc of this job I've had to put a couple of things on the back burner, such as SEWINGGGG. God, I know I keep talking about it, and I even got so far as making my muslin mock-ups but I have not had a minute to myself or even a single cent to buy fabrics and patterns (as I've been trying to juggle my bills and also catch up on rent, which requires me to pick up xtra hours ofc)

But enough of me moaning and groaning! Spring is here, the weather is looking lighter and lighter everyday and I've done better regarding my mental health this szn than any other winter szn lmao

I'm grateful I'm alive and still taking care of my like... ~soul~ and stuff, I feel like I've been reading a lot and still taking my vitamins. I went on that lil outing to the museum last month which was super nice. Not nice for my wallet ofc but what mental health day ever is amiright? *sweat emoji*

I also officially caught up on rent!! Until the 1st of next month ofc ugh but I'm so happy my long hours at work have finally paid off. There's a lot of progress I've made this winter and I'm happy about it ^^

So yes there's the matter of not doing as many hobbies as I was preparing for, and also not really going out and being social either. But after last summer and fall tbqh I needed the break. I'm actually getting back into it, too! For a real specific reason this time... I... have been stewing around in some Feelings regarding my sexuality again and now that I'm in my mid-20's I'm like, starting to Realize Things.

Ok, topic change time. So for many years I have identified as a lesbian bc I have never ever a day in my life found the idea of dating men appealing, like ever. And I've identified as Queer since I was in 8th grade so I kind of always knew since I was young that I was Not Straight but lately some things have really been falling into place for me........

I'm just typing this out for me atp bc I kind of always had the feeling I knew this my whole life, but it hasn't quite Hit Me until recently. Ever since I've been out and about, socializing with as many ppl as I can ever since I acquired my car, there's been something that kept coming up and nagging at me the more clubs I hit up. This world is so unbelievably obsessed with sex, romance and dating and I always thought that I was just a late bloomer, or that I was too gay to even entertain the idea of going out with some of the guys that confessed to me in high school. Living in like a small city in some backwoods town, there wasn't ever a chance for me to experiment as I probably should have. But... now that I'm a Fully Grown Adult with money and transportation and things, I'm here having ample opportunity to hook up with ppl or explore more romance options and I am. Simply. Not doing that.

When ppl talk about being in love, it's always something that happens, like Cupid shooting a random arrow at someone out of nowhere. "What does it feel like to be in love?" "How do you know when you're in love?"

"Oh well, it'll just happen" or "Yeah you'll know when you know"

So then... what happens to the ones that that never happens to? Again, I've been trying, going out, trying to make connections here and there but with the ridiculous amount of ppl I've met you would think SOMEONE would strike my heart at some party or some event or somthn. But, nothing. I've gone thru my most hormonal years of my life without even so much as wanting to hold hands with anyone.

And SO... drum roll pls! Enter: a group chat I joined where I talked to some aces and aros!! And when they shared their experiences-- how they figured they were acespec in the first place-- I could've wept. I also hopped back on Tumblr early last year and in typical Tumblr fashion, some memes I came across shared by the wonderful ace community struck me as like uhhhh particularly relatable, which initially piqued my interest.

Mind you, I've known the ace community existed since high school, back when Tumblr discourse surrounding acespec identities cropped up back in like 2014? 2015? Like many Tumblr users back in those days, I was young, green and impressionable but even my candy ass knew not to be an exclusionist in any way. I didn't quite understand asexuality other than asexuals just didn't really want to have sex, but I was like "listen, it's none of my business who other ppl have sex with. These ppl are human either way, why be a dick?" And so then away Teen Mars went, reblogging "post this if you support asexuals!" posts and blocking weirdos who frothed at the mouth about ppl simply... not having any sexual attraction.

Looking back now I'm like "yay feminist Mars, what a queen" but a realization even weirder than that (knowing what I know now) is that there were ppl who str8 up denied asexuals existed, marginalized and diminished acespec voices, and then turned around to deny their right to be in LGBTQ+ spaces? Now that I know I myself might be ace/aro, I'm like... imagining just vibing and doing my own thing, then logging into the biggest soc media platform that's supposedly "inclusive" only to just see ppl shit out the coldest takes on my existence. Yikes. In a way, my brain protected me from that bullshittery by keeping me away from that knowledge I guess lol

This groupchat I'm in is already arranging meetups and zoom chats and other things, and it's super nice to be realizing a piece of yourself existing alongside other ppl who understand what you're about, and can empathize with a piece of your life that is actually quite important! But I'm like... really not about romance at all, and I'm one of those romance-repulsed ppl that never understood society's expectations and obsession with love. I kinda wish "no love" was the default, bc way too many ppl center romantic attractions in their lives to the point of letting their other relationships in life just fade away. Obviously, not healthy. Either way, I'm happy to have some community of ppl who get me yanno?

Another blessing I've recieved by being in this groupchat and discovering myself recently is a book recommendation! Ace by Angela Chen was brought up when we were all chatting about how we discovered we were ace or aro or even demi, and when I looked it up I happened to catch it on sale. So I bought it and well! Well! It's definitely one of those books where I'm really slow to get thru it bc it's one of those books that has me looking up and staring at the wall like, every other page LMAO

This is an amazing book that I'm sure is the best book for anyone who doesn't understand asexuality to pick up. Like I mentioned, I already knew the basics of aromanticism and asexuality, but this book is eye-opening for me specifically bc it doesn't just talkabout asexuality from the POV of an ace, but also breaks down what asexuality and aromanticism ISN'T, and what sexual attraction usually is. Those passages literally changed me, yo. Like actually? I was gagged basically on every other page. I'm STILL screaming about this book to my friends in the groupchats man! And I'm still not even halfway thru the damn thing!

So now, last but not least... how asexuality relates to me. Listen, I'm gonna lay it out real honest here for anyone who's even reading this; I might come back with an update even like 2 mos from now probably walking my sexuality back. It's been quite a journey for me to even get to this point in my life, but these realizations don't diminish my identities that I've had before, yanno? I still want to stick to the lesbian identity bc I just feel like it still fits me despite me not quite wanting to be in a relationship, bc I still find the female form to be way WAY more attractive than men lol and not only that but I still relate to lesbians. You know what? Girl really IS pretty! And even if my realizations are wrong, it's not the end of the world, I can always rebrand like I always have before. That's the beauty of anarchism in everyday life, no one is beholden to just one label all the time.

And speaking of girl pretty... hyperfemininity! Who would I be if I didn't slip kawaii and girly things into these convos right? Being (most likely) aromantic and being in the girly kawaii community is... an interesting combination. I love lovecore, I love hearts and wearing them and looking adorable. I just hate how saturated things like this fashion are wrt romance, like as if being a girly girl automatically means that you're going to fall in love with ppl from the jump? Very odd. It always rubbed me the wrong way when ppl made assumptions about me based off of my dress, bc I'm Very Aware of how different my personality is from my style. I'm a lil edgy! I'm rough around the edges! I'm not really friendly! Sometimes I miss social cues, I swear like a sailor and I love horror, and smoking weed, and I prefer vodka over any other alcoholic drink. But more than anything, it bothers me so much when ppl assume I'm romance-obsessed??

Yes, I'm not stupid, I know hearts = romance in society and that's been a thing since forever. But man do I really wish it was more commonplace for ppl to just stop assuming romance is a thing all ppl can feel. Or like, even want? Even a "normal" person who has been in relationships and had sex before can abstain from those things by their choice. I just think ppl srsly need to dial the disrespect back and be a bit more openminded.

Ever since I could remember I've always been romance-repulsed, and now I'm realizing I've probably always been sex-repulsed too lol so maybe that's why I'm so cagey about those kinds of things personally. When ppl start showing interest in me, trauma from previous interactions with ppl of all genders starts rearing its ugly head bc holy fuck are allos (ppl who feel romantic and sexual attraction) entitled af!! I've been on dates without even knowing I was on a date, it's been that bad. Why is romance the default??? It just seems like such unnecessary amounts of energy being wasted in my opinion...

That will simply be something I just can't ever understand, I guess. It's funny how pieces of a puzzle start falling into place the older you get, and the more memories you make. Back when I was a teen, I always thought I didn't "get" why ppl always wanted to hook up and date bc I was simply a late bloomer. I was pretty chill about the whole romance thing back then, except for when it actually came up whenever some dude I was hanging out with tried to make a move. I always thought "ah well, I don't understand why X is dating Y or why teen pregnancy is even a thing. Can't ppl just... Not Have Sex. What's wrong with being single? Well I guess it'll happen to me eventually, I'll find out then lol"

*Cue Spongebob music*

Aaannnnddd til this day I have never been in a relationship! *cheering*

Even tho I am super cute, super girly and super pink I am also super proud to be acespec, and I've found a small community on Tumblr already that agrees with me. I've found aromantic lovecore blogs and kawaii asexuals which is simply FCKING RAD! I love being me, I don't think that there's anything wrong with not being able to feel romantic attraction. From my perspective, I would never trade this for anything else bc I see aromanticism as a blessing. I've always been aro but now actually realizing it just feels like taking off a very awful-fitting dress and just being able to BREATHE. It feels really good! All the other labels I tried on before felt... ok, but like something was always missing, and now that I'm trying on ace/aro on for size, this feels really good! It really fits! So... ya, hooray!

As thanks for reading AAALLLL of this I will leave y'all with a tweet I harvested back before I deleted my Twitter, and I kept it lovingly stored in my phone bc til this day this is the best way for me to articulate how it feels to simply not be a romantic person. It's also one of my fave quotes on the "fave quotes" section of the homepage.

I love seeing other ppl in love, but for me? Solitude is the best thing ever and I'm forever grateful for being born as a kind of person that has so much love to give to myself. I genuinely enjoy my own company and there's nothing wrong with that!