Entry 29

helloooooooo it is yet another installment of this blog no one reads! :D

it's been many months since i've last updated this blog, tho not that long ago since i've updated this website in general. as you all know by now, i've finished my horror shrine (for now) and have been kinda steadily adding entries to that page since december. ofc, i haven't been doing that very much this year but it's still an ongoing project i'm sticking with!

anyways, i haven't been updating this site not bc of depression or anything like that but bc... i've been so dang busy!

for one, my therapy is working! it's been taking months and months to do so, but compared to other winters that i've had to survive before, this winter felt... different. like i was fighting every single day of it but i don't feel like that's a bad thing at all! i've been working with my therapist to target weird trauma stuff and connect the past to the present. i suck at remembering things and i also had a bad habit of becoming super distant and having out-of-body experiences thru my life which didin't help my memory issues. pile depression on top of all of that to make one big shit sundae aaaaannddd well. lol

so i'm very glad that i'm getting the chance to process my shitty childhood and all the traumas i got out of it now. finally! i escaped my abusive life over 7 years ago now (crazy to think about...) so imo it is a great thing that i'm now getting around to unpacking all of that before i hit my 30s. ofc, healing isn't a linear process and just bc i'm seeing progress now doesn't mean i won't fall back into self-sabotaging behaviors in the future. but like... i'm learning to accept myself and be at peace with what happened to me all those years ago. and i think this is a p good start :)

and so uh... bc i've been learning to accept myself and learn more abt who i am as a person in this day and age, i've been making discoveries abt myself that i haven't directly acknowledged before... and it's been interesting so far! yep. very interesting

i have a drs appt booked for THIS COMING FRIDAY to finally talk to my dr about getting a referral to a gender clinic of some sort :D yep, turns out that i am some kind of trans lol go figure

i've been grappling with my Gender Feelings for a whiiile now, like since at least 2 yrs ago when i realized i was aroace (and holy shit y'all it's been 2 years since my aspec-versary. can you guys believe that shit. head in hands. time flies man. time flies.) since i realized that so much of societal expectations on gender roles rely heavily on partnering and dating customs also set by society. and i was just thinking it all thru like... all of this is bullshit. all of it. why stick with literally any of this amatonormative, heteronormative horseshit? it never served me before and it still doesn't til this day

and i say i'm "some kind of trans" bc i know i'm transmasc but i'm still playing with the idea of being like. a man. and how i want to fit into that whole thing and how i want masculinity to fit into my life. i've been thoroughly exploring that side of life rn, weighing my options.

i loooove femininity and cutesy stuff, stuff that ppl usually say "men shouldn't be into", blah blah blah. but there was also always a part of me that-- since the beginning-- has never quite fit into the category of "woman" as ppl understand that role and that concept. i was always ostracized heavily for never fitting in with the girls, never having traditionally feminine hobbies or interests. i always wanted so badly to fit in with the dudes but that always caused much confusion in me. i'm a girl... do i want to hang around dudes bc i wanted attention? validation? why did i always like being active and playing sports with dudes, and why did they violently reject me anytime i made attempts to join in?

anyways, all of that to say: i ain't no girl. but i'm not quite there yet wrt whether i'm willing to embrace masculinity and Be A Man. i guess only time will tell! i know i'm not letting the cutesy pink shit go tho. i follow too many kawaii men on xiaohongshu to ever give that up, esp when it was a part of my personality since like early teenhood. in fact, feminine men give me THEE most gender envy lol :P i'm thinking i eventually want to join them

but i'm so excited to start T! and i just found out that by the beginning of april (which is in TWO days holy hell), i will have fulfilled the requirement that my insurance has set in order to attain TOP SURGERYYYYY!!

yippee!! wahooo!!

yeah, i know i know. i might have to pay ridiculous copays as well. insurance is most def not going to pay the whole thing in full, esp nowadays that the amercian govt has been overtaken by transphobic assholes hellbent on sinking this ship into a watery grave lol

i'm not stupid ofc. but when you've felt like.... well just SO uncomfortable with your body and you've never been able to fully feel like yourself a day in your life, the opportunity to finally get that feeling of comfort within yourself, and peace within your soul.. it's intoxicating. someone could tell me str8 to my face before getting T or going into surgery that i'll probably be charged a million dollars for the privilege of being myself and i'd tell them "fine. small price to pay for happiness after all!"

transitioning is just THAT important to me in my life rn. it's a chance to save myself and give myself a fighting chance at making a better future for myself, a much better life than i've ever been able to have before. of COURSE i'll happily pay whatever i need to in order to have it lol

so with that realization, i've been making plans for the future. omfg i've been making PLANS for the future! i can envision a future for myself! i'm not just living day by day and surviving. i'm actually picturing living in an apartment with a cat. i wanna go back to school, maybe trade school to learn more abt machinery and mechanics. i can picture myself having all of these things and going to the gym and like... LIVING! :)

and let's see... what else have i been up to. well, ever since starting my horror shrine, i've been consuming horror movies and shows like candies. i have just been watching movie after movie, knocking lots of stuff off my list. i regret to inform that no, i haven't made horror shrine review entries for them yet bc i've been euphoric abt my life lately (for once) so i just enjoy the movies as i watch them and... yeah. but i WILL type up those reviews eventually!!

i've been reading more and taking more walks. i am so happy that i've been working on my stamina more and more and can walk for like 2 hrs str8 now without dying :) i'm even finding myself up and moving more every week, getting shit done and not going str8 home after work everyday like i used to. i live a p sedentary lifestyle now with my office job and a car, and i need to get up and moving so my mental health doesn't fall down into a gutter. so taking walks at every opportunity that i can now esp with the weather getting warmer every week has been helping me with that a lot

i'm accepting that i'm not the type of person to just sit down and chill for very long. as much as i want to be okay with staying at home and rotting away, i've got to get the blood pumping and i gotta get moving or else the demons will get me. but okay, that's perfectly fine. that's what gyms are for right? lol

so yeah. these are the things that i've been up to during the winter. working on myself, learning more and more abt myself and accepting what i find rather than suppress it. i'm enjoying my day more, taking the time to slow down and stop avoiding shit. i'm practicing mindfulness more, contemplating things and being more thoughtful and intentional with my life choices.

i'm glad i thought long and hard abt my whole gender situation and that i sat on it for a while. this isn't a spur of the moment decision i've made, it's actually been thought thru. and i am unbelievably happy that i did <3

so yeah that'll be my 2025 goal, to just keep enjoying my own company and work on myself more! i'm reading Blood and Money by David Mcnally rn during the downtimes that we get at work since we're kind of not that busy rn before the peak season hits. it's a very good perspective on the origins of money and how it's always been tied to violence and dehumanization from a marxist pov, highly recommend.

well, this was just a quick update bc i felt bad for neglecting my poor lil website lol maybe in the future i'll have time to keep working on this lil side hobby of mine. i feel like i might not tho if i want to start incorporating more gym time into my schedule in the near future. not to mention that i'm going to be working on obtaining testosterone for myself and navigating the healthcare system is always a pain in the ass. plus, i'm expecting to be needing a 2nd job in the near future, which i'm working on getting a forklift certification for asap...

ALSO OMG my birthday is in less than 2 months now.. wow. fuckin crazy. before long, i'm gonna be in my 30's. mindblowing. i never thought i'd live to see the day but alas. here we are lol

well i guess time will tell on whether i update more in the future or not? but regardless, never forget:

life DOES get better! never kill yourself!!!