Entry 26

it's this website's SECOND bday... well, it already passed by since it was on the 22nd instead of today but!! HOORAY!!! happy 2nd bday clownhouse!

dance party!!!

okay so... i'm p proud of myself for (sort of) maintaining this site in the long run, and not really givin up on it like i was tempted to do millions of times before LOL

i could've just up and abandoned this lil side project, since ofc i don't get that many visitors and this site isn't the most entertaining one or the prettiest one on neocities LMFAO but!!! but i'm still patting myself on the back getting thru the trials and tribulations of getting my own website started up from scratch (thanks to the countless webmasters out there for their hard work to educate us clueless plebs and provide theme templates and coding templates) and running relatively... smoothly. kind of. there are still a couple of things that have uhhh not been running so smoothly lately that i have yet to fix but anyways. all in due time!

and man, has this site gone thru some changes. and some updates and revamps and layout rearrangments. i slightly updated this blog theme bc it was sorta broken due to my ineptitude using alignment commands in the css but we got that back up and running and i went ahead and changed the latest blog entry themes bc... well, why not. (laziness is why not LMFAO)

i actually had to go back to the basics and recopy REPTH's code to see where tf i went wrong, but ya didn't hear that from me.

so! what have i been up to and what do i have planned for this site?

honestly.... yes, i have come back, technically speaking. i feel like i'm jugging so many things in life rn wrt my own personal hobbies and whatnot, and my mind is going a million diff places lately that i'm not entirely sure how long i'll keep updating this site and doing my lil art on the side, write my fanfics, do personal finance stuff (like trying to pay down my debts oof) but i did technically come back this year!

atm it really is just a matter of like, how long will i keep working on this site until i lose interest again, or life gets too busy? that remains to be seen! but hopefully i don't totally abandon this place again anytime soon

i do still have to work 40hrs a week, i do still have to fulfill social obligations and hang out with my friends, run errands, live life in general. i am ALL ABOUT self improvement all of the sudden, probs bc i have my therapist helping me out in that section of my life. i've been... making headway on my mental health, kinda. it doesn't seem like we're touching upon the trauma part of my life much rn but that might change once the uhhhh seasonal depression hits. which it will. it most definitely will 😓 absolutely not excited for that, whenever it happens. so considering that, it really is just like, all up in the air with me rn lol

actually, mentioning that, it's kind of like rn-- esp since we're just about to enter the fall szn p soon where i'm at-- i feel like i'm frantically prepping for... idk, but maybe it's that! sznal depression where i feel like a lot of what i'm gaining and setting up now will possibly be blown away by that dark period of time. i barely remember last winter aside from my holiday visit to my family, and i'm scared that everything i am achieving now won't stick. i think i barely did anything besides write drabbles and blurbs that entire time from Jan-April. and work, ofc. all i did was work, ugh.

it sucks but also rocks that i'm on this weird financial tsunami rn where i'm all of a sudden starting up a ROTH IRA and investing as much as i can while i'm still relatively young. it rocks bc i know i'm setting myself up for success in the future, but it sucks bc i am still. broke. and i wanna save up for stuff that i know i'm gonna wanna do during the winter in order to not throw myself off a bridge from the monotony of it all... but i also wanna inveeeeesssttttt uuuuhgghhgh

and i wanna start doing the whole snowball method as well in order to pay off the debts that have been haunting me for years, but that would mean cutting back on SO many expenses ^^;

do y'all see what i mean when i say i have so much on my mind lately?!!! i wish i didn't get this huge motivation boost out of nowhere right now! i guess now is better late than never but geez louise, a bitch only has so much money to spend in one month! but i have been watching a lot of budgeting and finance youtubers, looking thru their pdfs and budgeting guidelines and stuff.......... call me naive but like... these ppl are giving me hope fr! watching all those youtube vids and tiktoks of the past that were all abt moaning and groaning over our current economic status was cathartic, sure, but i knew that even back when i was a moron with my money and never heard of a solid financial plan going around (bc why save money when you have no future? 🙃) that i was still going to have to wise up and budget conservatively or else i was gonna end up in a ditch somewhere... and then the bank would STILL tow my car!!

so i gotta get serious abt my finances this year forreal. i have to stop watching those doom-vids and doom-tiktoks that complain abt capitalism and everyone being broke af all the time bc like... yeah same, buutttt i can moan and groan abt the current economy or i can nut up, shut up, and just fucking-- at the very LEAST --pull myself out of debt. then i can be broke IN PEACE!!! even tho i hate capitalism with a burning passion too, that's not going to change the fact that sallie mae and mohela are turning me into their paypig. i can bitch and moan all day but like after a certain amount of time, one just gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. so at the very least, i'm actually formulating a plan and sticking to it and i will hope to see results soon-ish!

i'm actually going to try a no-spend 2 weeks next month... well, this month bc august is already over but yall kno what i mean LMFAO and then uh, we shall report back and see what's poppin' then <_<

i want to go 2 weeks with no spending in between one paycheck to the next, ofc bc i get paid biweekly but also bc i wanna take a peek at my finances unburdened by stupid purchases. i wanna stay off ebay and shop and depop and all these other apps that drain my bank account. just this month alone i spent over $200 on ebay purchases and i was SICK seeing my budgeting app tell me that..... like.... bruh wtf. granted, yeah i ordered a cheap computer monitor and a console table for my tv in my room but GODDAMN, that was potentially $200 that could've gone towards paying down my debts, or i could've invested it into my brokerage acct........ sob. so i'm gonna do a lil test run, see if i can actually do it in the 1st place and then maybe hopefully graduate to doing no spend MONTHS?? <_< we shall see!

and better late than never honestly. i'm starting my conscious spending journey from here on out and avoiding spending money on things unless i absolutely need them for sure. at the very least, i wanna start these habits now so that i can set myself up for a much less rough ride in the future when i really need to hunker down and SPEND NOTHING. i've done it in the past when i was trying to survive on very little in between jobs (bc ofc i also have NOTHING in my emergency fund acct! yikes!) but i'm really gonna try to be intentional with it this time.

and yeah that might mean some sacrifices made in the near future. i'm probs not gonna start doing it until like... idk the middle of oct or whatever bc i of course have to plan some stuff with friends i haven't seen in months very soon but! yeah! no-spend weeks! hell yeah! i've sacrificed plenty enough already, i'm fairly confident that i've set up enough roadblocks and coping skills to be able to stay off these shopping apps. i already stay away from brick and mortar stores enough so i'm... yeah, i'm feelin good abt my chances of success.

and hey, who knows. bc i can't go out at all so i don't spend a dime outside of the four walls of my room, i might just hop back on here more often, rearrange some stuff on this site and make it look less... idk, messy.

oh yeah, that reminds me of the 2nd question i asked LOL which was "what're my plans for this site in the future?"

... and like, i mean aside from the overall disorganization of this site and also... the lack of updates WHATSOEVER on my sewing page-- bc i have sadly put away that hobby on the back shelf for now since my sewing machine is simply too shit to actually sew properly (not to mention the lack of space i've got in my tiny room too like geez louise! even making a skirt was kind of a hassle that one time ngl)-- i... kind of don't have much planned for this site at all. i mean, i'm a mediocre coder doing this as a hobby on the side. i'm not... i don't work in tech or have any big aspirations to work as a software technician whatsoever. this is basically just my own personal lil pet project and as much time and effort as i've put into making this site like, somewhat usable, i think that i'm p much... done for the most part with configuring everything.

i am sadly not a talented artist at all, or a writer worth any merits. i don't really do much to warrant uploading and creating pages on this site, bc ofc that means more maintenance. soooo... i guess this is basically just gonna turn into my very own diary website I GUESS lol

remember when i said back in The Olden Days of this site that i wasn't going to spill my guts onto these entries bc even tho my tiny lil homemade website is tucked away in a relatively small corner of the internet, that i didn't want All My Thoughts out there on the world wide internet? well look how far we've come! it only took 26 entries to do it LOL (honestly even less than that)

well anyways, i could just be talking to myself regardless. for all i know, no one in the world is reading these entries and i'm perfectly safe. who knows. i might turn to writing my feelings out here instead of in a physical journal. not that i was writing in that thing much anyways but!

so ya happy bday clownhouse!! man, they grow up so fast, don't they? now my website is old enough to start learning how to walk :') yay!! here's to another year! 🥂