Entry 24

*twirls my nonexistent hair* heyyyyy y'all ;)

what's uppppp.... yeah. it's me.... mars. i'm not dead lol

okay SO. so hold on. stop looking at the date between the last entry and this one. ignore the fact that i haven't updated this site often since last fall. i. uh. okay listen!

i haven't been updating this site for many good reasons. well, bad reasons but hear me out! so. lots has been happening in my life since last year and then i also happened to have like the world's worst Fog hit me like a sack of bricks out of nowhere when the weather starting getting colder. so uh, update time i guess?

jfc where do i even start tho. LOL

let's see... since the last update i have:

• 1. quit both of my shitty jobs last year. the laundry job i had in the mornings devolved to a complete fucking circus and just deteriorated slowly but surely. then eventually, the owners fired the only manager on the schedule who did shit, so i walked out that very same day too. fuck the owners of that shithole, them mfs can't run a mfing business to save their lives! so. and then the nursing home couldn't give me any hours at all so i looked for another job bc i was NOT trying to survive on only $16/hr while being scheduled for 20 hrs a week. fuck that noise.


• 2. so i got me another job shortly afterwards as a packaging associate! it's got better pay, cleaner and more organized facilities and way better benefits than either of my jobs ever had. noice. the manager is a total dingbat but my coworkers are cool so i mostly just keep to myself, watch my lil video essays at my desk and i get to clock out at 4:30 everyday. not bad if i do say so myself! it's one of those mindless kind of jobs that's super easy to do, where it doesn't interfere with my life outside of it whatsoever. for now, it's everything that i need. no complaints, really!


• 3. one of my friends is a tech wizard who builds her own PCs, and she handed me her old one after building her newest rig (which looks so fucking cool if i do say so myself!) and now i have me a slightly old but still powerful ass gaming PC lol. this thing has more RAM and storage than i have ever had in my lifetime which is just... mindblowing. great timing, too bc my old laptop was very much falling apart! i am loving this thing, including the fact that i finally finally get to play around with LINUX!!! :) yep, i am on linux now and i've already placed orders for gaming keyboards and other accessories bc i have ALWAYS wanted a mechanical keyboard!! now i get to live my PC princess dreams~ :)))) i'm currently using a wireless keyboard which is super cute or whateva but my goal is to upgrade to wired connections so that i don't have to constantly worry abt battery replacements all the time.


• 4. bc of this, i'm getting way more into tech customizations and then i remembered my humble ol website, which is why i'm here now lmfao. but i've been much more mindful of my internet habits as of late, so i've been busy replacing every single google account or service i used to use with more open source alternatives. i've switched from gmail to proton mail, most of my soc media apps are modded, and i stopped streaming music. spotify sucked anyways, but i do keep a modded version of it on my phone to preview songs before deciding if i wanna download them or not. and now! i get to! GET RID OF WINDOWS TOO! :D all before microsoft forces spyware-filled windows 11 on us too. sick.


• 5. i've been getting really into spiderverse this year and i jumped back into the venom and spiderman fandoms again recently! so while i pack cones and shove weed nugs into plastic drams, i'm coming up with a million headcanons and fic ideas for my lil spider blorbos <3 and the weirdest thing is... i've been writing fanfic! nothing that i would... link here tho. no it's not bc it's smut lmfao y'all i am AroAce, i do not write smutfics (nothin' against them, i'm just... so not interested in writing them) but bc i'm not even sure they're any good at all since this is the 1st time i've taken a crack at writing anything since highschool. ppl do enjoy them, tho! so really, that's all anyone can ask for amirite fellas, ahaha. plus, it's good to excercise the brain and writing fingers, esp when i get inspired by other ppl's ideas and prompts. so far, it's been a blast interacting with the spiderverse fandom and i'm real glad i fell into a particular corner of the fandom that i vibe with


• 6. i've also been getting into art a lot more often too! i recently ordered and got some alcohol markers and acrylic markers and lemme tell y'all... it is very very weird to hop back into a medium after so many years. luckily, it seems like i've still got it! i drew something for a blog's arospec week a couple days ago, and it felt so strange but also so good to see my coloring put back on the internet again! idk how much longer the art muse will be by my side, but until she leaves, i'm just gonna keep churning out lil doodles and ideas of my blorbos. and by churning i mean put out one (1) drawing every other month. bc ya boi is SLOW AF on the page now. like, yeah, sure i do enjoy drawing again even tho there are so many fuckin difficulties that no one wants to talk abt when going back into art after many years. but goddamn, does having a full time job suck ass for hobbies... ugh. it sucks, bc there are days where all i wanna do is just hurry up and get a piece finished so i can post it and be done with it but holy moly, i feel like every time i look up after laying down one line, it's already bedtime so i can get up in the morning for work. life sucks, man. still, i guess i should be grateful this job gives me enough money where i don't feel like i have to juggle 2 jobs just to survive. still wish i had the energy to churn out like 7 pieces a day like how i used to back in highschool OTL


• 7. i have also been. questioning my gender a lot lately as well ngl. idk what i am exactly, but i do know of this for certain: i am NOT a she/her cis woman like i thought i was. i think shaving my head probs should've clued me in a lil bit all those years ago but! welp! better late than never amirite LMFAO. ever since i came out as aroace and started to navigate the world with an aspec lens on i've been like "yes i do like girly pink things. but. am i a girl, tho? like actually?" and fellow comrades, i'll level with ya: i am not. so i'm gonna buy me a binder and start fagging it up even more this year to start exploring my gender a bit more intentionally and... maybe i'll report back on that i guess? all of that being said, i... do not think i wanna use she/her pronouns anymore jhdlshdsljk
  idk what pronouns i want! so i'm going by any at the current moment! i do know that when other ppl refer to me as a lady or a woman or girl or whatever tho, that that doesn't really... feel quite right. so we're just playing it by ear and kinda just goin' with tha flow yanno what i'm sayin


• 8. i switched health insurances due to the fact that i turned 26 this year and got booted off of the state-paid health insurance. so now i have to pay for health insurance every month :( sad face. on the upside, there are a HELL of a lot more providers on this insurance than the state-paid one so my options have expanded! and so bc my insurance has zero visitation limits and no copays whatsoever for behavioral health appts, i'm finally finally gettin' me a therapist!!! WAHOO!! YIPPEE!!! :D i just texted one therapist that i was interested in for a consultation and i just might be able to book one with her as soon as tuesday of next week :) i am so fuckin excited y'all, bc my efforts to get a therapist with the state insurance was historically just. bad. so fucking bad. i either always got a shit therapist or i had to wait 5000 years to be seen by anyone at all. so damn happy now, even tho i DO pay more than 100 bucks a month for it... but now i'm more than motivated to get every single penny's worth out of this thang so! here i am. gettin' me a therapist. fuck yes.

i think i'm gonna talk to her abt my Gender Feelings and see if i can't get me some good ol' Gender Services (i've been aching for a hysterectomy and maayyyybe some top surgery one of these days *eyes emoji*) since she also lists "LGBTQ+" as one of the areas she specializes in. fuck yes. i'm trying to get these done, if possible, before the corrupt-ass supreme court outlaws trans services nationwide instead of just in some states. ughhh.

yeah the anti-trans wave that has been hitting politics lately is just abhorrent. when it started with the bathroom conversations, it was easy to laugh and wave it off, but now with the trans and abortion bans overtaking the south now, things are getting a little. reactionary. and well. hm.

will my lil state ever get to the point where they ban trans surgeries and affirmitive care? idk... but i dont want to wait to find out either, since shit is going down the damn toilet now lately, what with palestine and the national debt and the elections, and the... everything. yeah. if you're american or invested in US politics, you know what i'm talkin' abt LOL

honestly, what can we even say? i'm p sure i've talked extensively on this blog abt everything that the US has done as of late, how capitalism has been falling right before our very eyes. but this time, it really, really is just. falling apart faster and worse than a Boeing plane LMFAO.

ok sorry, that was kinda insensitive, but! i'm just trying to lighten the mood amidst all of the gloom and doom ^^;

between red lobster going bankrupt, hospitals hitting an all-time high for also going bankrupt (my state's largest hospital network also filed for bankruptcy and everyone is getting laid off slowly), walgreens closing thousands of locations nationwide, and Boeing (do i even have to link anything there? well. if you need any supplemental info here it is lol), shit is hitting the fan indeed. it really, really is. i'm just imagining the panic most ceo's and hedge fund managers are in rn, and i for one am cackling with glee over it!

that being said, damn. at the same time, i'm kinda like... are we fucked, though? america has this horrible hyper-individualistic culture present even today as most of us are suffering from the loneliness epidemic. we still have our humanity (as seen by the hundreds of demonstrations we've been seeing for palestine just this year alone) but our infrastructure is so unbelievably completely and utterly fucked, that it's like... yes we-- probably more than ever in history before-- desperately want to connect to each other and our communities and neighbors more than anything! but... can we? even now?

isolation from the pandemic hasn't kept a lot of citizens from coming together to protest against injustices committed by our evil govt but lack of accessible third places to organize meetings, sprawling car-centric infrastructure, shitty public transportation, and segregational urban planning physically keeps a lot of ppl from coming together to actually organize resources that community members can actually use. not to mention the rising rent prices, outlawing of homelessness, actual physical damage that isolation and loneliness can cause a person, and absolutely criminal price-gouging that shops and companies have been putting us thru... yeah, even if we do try to make a pivot towards a more pro-social and accessible future, it's not gonna be an easy change whatsoever. we are truly, truly fighting an uphill battle to try and revert the damage that decades of shitty policies and greedy companies have wreaked on the land.

like, yeah, there are always glimmers of hope here and there, tho. and in the wise words of Ursula K. Le Guin, nothing human-made is ever permanent. we can always undo a system in society that we implemented, because... well, we were the ones to implement it in the 1st place lol

but still... idk, i'm a lil worried. in my own private life, i have a friend who is just the absolute worst at communicating and getting mental health help and she's just been sitting at home in her mom's boyfriend's house... playing video games and doing nothing, for months now. she doesn't even have a job, part-time or otherwise. now you all know me... i'm no capitalist, not even by a long shot, but we do live in a capitalist society currently, for worse or worser. i'm super worried that her anxiety is slowly turning her into an agoraphobic hermit, but i'm frustrated bc idk what to do!! i know i'm not a psychologist or anything, i'm just a humble poor lil anarchist living at the bottom of the totem pole. but i hear stories like hers from a lot of ppl, esp young ppl who don't know what life was like before the internet went to shit and society still sorta connected with each other more often. then malls shut down, everyone stopped being able to go out due to the surveillence state we've all been pushed into, and the pandemic has most definitely made that even worse.

i see youngins online constantly complaining abt not even knowing how to hold a simple conversation, and i worry. i'm really, really not gonna lie abt that. i imagine the soc media iron grip that the internet has on these poor kids going Thru It esp during the pandemic is going to have lasting psychological damage on their minds that we'll get to see manifest fully once they're all grown up and hitting the streets to properly join society as adults. yikes... idk what's going to happen. like, in general.

the revolution might not come at all, and capitalism might go out with a whimper rather than a bang, but i'm more worried abt what's going to replace it in the future and how we're even going to go about implementing it. i hope, as a stupid and optimistic anarchist, that the growth of anarchism amongst the Youths means we'll see a brighter future, a brighter light at the end of the tunnel, but. we'll see abt that.

after all, previous attempts at revolutionary activity never faced a loneliness epidemic! sure, censorship and evil oppressive cops have existed for hundreds of years. but what hasn't existed for hundreds of years is: surveillence states and tech, social media, globalisation, suburbs and bad urban planning, and lack of third places. at least back when che guevara, the black panthers, kent state students, the french revolutionaries, and the haitian revolutionaries staged their riots... they weren't too busy twiddling their thumbs bc they didn't know what The Right Thing To Say was. they knew how to hold a convo and they didn't go days if not weeks without having a meaningful conversation with another human face-to-face.

so yeah. these are things i think abt now more than ever. shit's lookin' a lil bleak out here. ofc, i do know we'll eventually pull thru and everyone will make their best attempt at creating a better life for future generations, but i really, really am curious to see how we're gonna go abt it this time. it seems like now, the odds are stacked against us and things are escalating to dire straits way faster and way harder now. like, the ecological crises that the whole planet is going thru (esp the global south) due to american celebs and politicians and the military dumping thousands of lbs of pollution into the waters and the air is... yeah, it's looking more and more Bad with every passing season.

but like i always say, it's going to get worse before it gets better. like... it really will. it's already lookin' p bad out here but i imagine shit's abt to really hit the fan and we ain't seen nothin' yet!

now's a great time to reach out to your community members, or at the very least your friends and family and start organizing however you can, guys! it's not going to get any better out here and if worst comes to worse, we're going to need to depend on each other whenever our govt or these greedy billion-dollar companies fail us. and they will fail us. so many stores are closing or going out of business, it's not even funny. it really puts into perspective just how invasive these companies became since the turn of the century, that ppl are lamenting the shutting down of these stores and businesses. these companies have p much wedged themselves into our everyday lives, and we haven't leaned on each other for support in so long that now that the corporate rug is being pulled out from under us, some ppl can't even imagine a life without fucking... mcdonalds, or microsoft, or uber, or whatever.

it's a sad state of affairs, but i do know one thing: if i know that we need to lean on the people for support rather than corporate companies, then other ppl surely know this too. i hope to see more freedges and community gardens set up. i hope to see more pro-social legislation passed, hope to see old conservative and anti-social policies torn down. i hope to see more small shops and co-ops open, a focus on more decentralized and people-run govts. ofc i don't imagine these solutions are gonna pop up overnight, but i hope ppl understand what's really at stake here and go back to a more free and open and anarchic way of life lol

so if you read all of that, here's a piece of cake :)

idk when's the next time i'll ever update this site again! but just know: we do have to keep going, but if you do, just know i'll keep going with you! :) 🤝

take my hand, and together we can get thru these... interesting times.

oh yeah, and also here's some supplemental anarchic media for anyone who wants it: andrewism's video on how we can actually make anarchism and an anarchist society work:

it's a p good video if i do say so myself! it's paced well and andrew's voice is very nice and soothing as he ponders many diff systems and questions wrt anarchism and how we can meaningfully implement it into society. so! ye

anyways byyyeeeeee