Entry 2

tw: parental abuse (mostly like general mentions of it really, nothing detailed)

Well, here I am writing another blog post. My mental health was kind of on the decline before it started to cool down around where I live, and ofc with the changing of seasons comes the change of the mind, so I am feeling much more refreshed this time around.

Like pretty much any horror lover, I love fall! I love Halloween, the changing of the leaves, the wind picking up and temps cooling down and of course... the horror movies. And just the general nostalgia of kid's horror shows too, Halloween was always my fave holiday even when I was a lil kid. Now, I'm way too old for trick or treating but now that I have my own means of transportation, I'm ready to partyyyy this year like it's 1999 y'all

I'm already making plans, because since I live in a place that's pretty well known for our ghosts and haunted history we're already starting the festivities here and putting up the fall decorations. My wallet is pretty much the only thing that's keeping me from sweeping my local HomeGoods and Spirit Halloween atm ugh. But I'm more interested this time in shelling cash for experiences and parties rather than decorations.

Idk if anyone reading this is a big fan of Halloween like myself, but I'm soooo ready for summer to end. Really do not like the heat tbh, it fries my brain and I never remember having a good summer like... ever. TMI but my home life when I was a kid was not the best if ya catch my drift, so staying home from school on summer breaks was the worst (even tho school wasn't much better but at least it got me away from my parents)

This summer wasn't so... bad. This year in general has been uh financially difficult for me and I even had to visit the food pantries in my city a couple times, but at least I made a lot of friends and got to go out to more places! I can't really complain because money always comes and goes. I know I'm not the only one having financial difficulties too, this economy is just slowly collapsing anyways so I might as well live it up while I can.

And that's the plan for this Halloween, plus watching as many horror movies as I can :)

I love horror any time of the year, I watched NOPE and The Black Phone in July when I went to visit my sis but there's just something special about starting up Casper the Friendly Ghost or Black Christmas or even Scary Godmother when the air is getting crisp and the sun sets sooner... yum

Can seasons even give ppl nostalgia when they happen every year? Idk, but until I find the word for what I feel I'm going to call it that. Fall is just so very nostalgic. Look at me, I'm rambling about it when we still have more than a month to go until the holiday week even starts!

On an unrelated note, I have also noticed the theme of "love" constantly appearing in my life as well and even the lack of it. Dunno if it was the Pisces full moon on Friday and mercury retrograding currently in Libra but wow is it just popping out in my life left and right! I even went to my fave cafe in town recently and found myself picking up Bell Hooks' "All About Love" that was set right in front of my face at the register. Didn't have time to buy it at the time, but I can't stop thinking about that damn book. I read some passages in her prologue that really hit me, I feel like we are cut from pretty much the same cloth based on how she described her childhood, down to us being the firstborn daughters in the family. Ouch. I might just go back and pick it back up before they put the copies away on the shelves...

And speaking of books I just can't stop thinking about, Jennette McCurdy's "I'm Glad My Mom Died" is just.... like AAGHH!!!! I never wanted a book so badly in my life!!! All I ever hear about that damn book is how great it is, how eye-opening it is and how downright funny it can be. Is there ever another book in this galaxy that was meant for me like that damn book is? The second I get my hands on my own copy I'm MELTING. And y'all will never hear anything else from me for a while omfg I want that book now more than anything. I checked my local libraries (even tho I really want to own a copy rather than borrow it) and the closest library that has it in their catalogue is like 2 cities away... kill me.

Ofc I'm scrolling through sites and even found that Barnes and Nobles has it in stock (yay) but it won't be available 'til the 23rd.... (not yay). Yikes. Well, it'll give me time to kind of put away money for it I guess, that's a couple paychecks away right? Gotta look on the bright side I guess, at least I can actually have it even tho I really really would rather be sitting on my couch reading it right now :(

Some comments about the book have been praising how we don't get enough media representation of bad moms, like how truly bad mothers can affect their children. Obviously me and Jennette McCurdy have next to nothing in common, in like... every aspect. I might not identify 100% with her experiences. But I totally agree, and I'm excited to get my hands on my own copy eventually since that's just a dark corner of life that not many ppl talk about despite the fact that parental abuse is like pretty much The Reason and The Thing that shapes our lives, worldview and futures. Trauma ain't no joke, y'all... forreal. And so many ppl talk about Bad Dads and "daddy issues" so much that we've turned blue in the face yelling about how terrible men are. Yeah, of course. Heard it, it's been done to death, let's really get to the meat of things here and talk about just how awful moms can be and how devastating that can be on children especially little girls. (discalimer: my dad is literal Satan himself as well so hey maybe I can actually talk about terrible dads in another blog post... but that's a whole other story for another day, lord knows there's more than enough material to watch and read about that topic)

I've got the typical background of any traumatized brown girl: firstborn daughter in an immigrant family chock full of narcissists and boy am I still reeling over the amount of verbal abuse, emotional incest and overall bullshittery I've put up with since I was a kid. It's not easy having a mom who has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old, even less when you're a product of an abusive marriage. It is all just... a giant shit sundae. A giant mess. I could go on and on about how fucked up that kind of life left me, but it's been 4 whole years (soon to be 5 yay!) since I've escaped that life. I've been no-contact and surviving just fine on my own-- exactly what I suspected I'd be able to do since I was like 13-- and my mental health is better than it ever was at any point in my life. Life's a struggle, ofc but I know I'm making it out on my own and I never have to involve my awful family in anything that's happening in my life, thank god! The peace of mind I get not having to deal with my mom anymore is worth all the debt I'm in and all the rent I'm behind on. If you're reading this and you're in this type of situation yourself, pick up "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsey C. Gibson, or any of her other self-help books in recognizing and recovering from these kinds of childhoods. This book is very practical and informative, I'm also looking into buying the sequel to see how I can continue my journey of healing past all of the stuff I dealt with. Also if you need a sign: SAVE UP MONEY AND GET OUT OF THERE! and try building a community that you can rely on at least once. This kind of individual lifestyle ain't easy but setting up the building blocks for a safety net of ppl who care about you is so damn important!! I was a loner as a kid and it nearly kiled me. If I hadn't met my bff and her amazing generous family I'd either be dead or in jail right now, knowing ppl absolutely saves you. Why do y'all think abusers of all kinds try their hardest to isolate their victims? Uh huh. Yep.

Anyways, hard topic to even kind of slightly skim over but I think the universe is pointing me to certain corners of my life with a flashlight and what can I do except look? It's hard but important work, doing this kind of healing all by yourself. I'm already on a wait list to see a therapist at my clinic, hope I can pull up these books and "impress" my therapist with all my knowledge lmao. That's not the point but y'all know what I mean :p

And of course, I have to keep reminding myself that this journey is not gonna be easy and that it's not linear. Just the other day I was angrily writing down in my journal about how my rewatch of "The Babadook" triggered me (actually I take back what I said before, there is at least one good movie rep of depression and bad moms and it's this movie! Watch it if you haven't, it's so good) even tho I haven't even seen my own mother's face in years. It's just... the rawness of a depressed mom and the furious outbursts I had to put up with when I was little being shown so clearly on screen like that... even years after the fact it's still got me shook tbh

But the goal is to never be like my parents. Even tho I'm not perfect, breaking the cycle of abuse is the only redeeming factor and finish line of my life. If I never accomplish anything else in my life, I'll be glad to at the very least be put 6 feet under the ground someday and have ppl who hear the news say "well, at least she wasn't a major asshole like her parents."

Queen Elizabeth's death really emphasized that if you don't want ppl popping bottles at your funeral, don't be a dick. Seriously. Doesn't matter. "Don't speak ill of the dead"? Be less of an asshole when you're alive, genius! That being said, I am popping the BIGGEST bottles whenever my parents die and I will not feel guilty about it. I think it's about damn time we as a society move past being sniveling kiss-asses for the sake of "being polite", and just admit that abusive ppl dictate too much of how we move in life. Let's be real here, concepts like politeness and professionalism were created so that bullies and narcissists don't ever have to face accountability. Lines have been crossed in life, and there certainly is such thing as being "too polite". I call it being spineless, actually!

That's another reason why I love McCurdy's book. "I'm Glad My Mom Died"... what a powerful, simple and blunt statement for a title. Seriously! It's not shocking for the sake of being shocking like some dimwitted critics say, it's basically... well I mean yeah! What else is there to explain? The lady's glad her evil mom died, what else is there to it? What did they want the book to be called, "Gosh my mom died and that sure is sad but here's a memoir of all the evil stuff she put me through"? I think that's a lil too long for a book title tbh I'm glad she chose to name her book something that I think a lot of ppl have thought at least once in their lives, but were too afraid to say.

And that's powerful. Too often in life we have to beat around the bush and play at niceties to spare ppl's feelings. There's being a good person... and then there's just being a coward. I spent my whole life being "raised" by cowards, I'm good. I'll carry that book around with me when I finally get it with pride, finally having a physical piece of someone else's life to mirror mine. Reminds me of yet another fave quote of mine, which I'll use to end this long-ass blog post:

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.” --Frida Kahlo